Today's parents, especially mothers, face various
unsolicited pieces of advice on how to raise their children, essentially from
the moment the baby is born. Some unsolicited advice begins even during
pregnancy, such as "now you have to eat for two," and so on.
Pregnancy itself is challenging, as a woman prepares for the role of a mother,
with the child growing beneath her heart, and such advice is often not very
pleasant. Moreover, in today's age, we have access to the internet and
information about the neuroscience of children's emotional needs is so abundant
that it's truly challenging to navigate through it.
Unwanted advice on upbringing, however, comes almost
immediately after the baby is born. A mother, exhausted from childbirth, going
through the postpartum period, brings home a baby with whom she learns to
recognize needs. The baby wakes up at night because it's hungry, needs a diaper
change, a hug, is either too warm or too cold, and communicates all of this
through crying. Motherhood is both beautiful and demanding. I have a
five-and-a-half-year-old son, and I have experienced the period of unsolicited
advice myself.
For today's mothers, it's challenging to navigate through
advice, which often starts in the hospital regarding breastfeeding. Frequent
advice from healthcare professionals can be a certain pressure, and it's
necessary to find a path that suits both the mother and the child. Personally,
I chose what felt closer and more natural to me and my son—breastfeeding on
demand. Thanks to this choice, I could breastfeed him until he naturally
weaned. If a mother decides to stop breastfeeding earlier or not breastfeed at
all, it's her decision and it's okay. The most important thing is to listen to
one's maternal instinct and the needs of both the mother and the baby.
Breastfeeding should not compromise the psychological well-being of the mother
and the child.
Another area is the child's sleep. Some advise letting
the baby cry to learn to sleep alone, while more modern views suggest that a
baby needs the mother's presence for sleep. Considering breastfeeding, it was
more comfortable for both me and my son to transition to co-sleeping when he
was six months old. If a mother decides differently and the child is fine with
it, that's okay. However, based on current knowledge about children's emotional
needs, I cannot agree with the opinion that letting a baby cry to "learn
to sleep on its own" is okay. Babies in orphanages don't cry, and as a
mother, that is very sad for me. But it's crucial for the mother to listen to
her needs and not do something just because she must to avoid being seen as a
"worse mother."
Every mother who loves
her child is a good mother as long as she cares for the child to the best of
her abilities, providing love, attention, and interest.
Another area is potty training. Some mothers start potty training very early, but if the child hasn't matured to the stage of recognizing its elimination needs, it may not be very effective. I don't think there is a single correct model. Every child is unique, with its own feelings, and the key is to listen to both its and your needs.
For myself, adhering to stereotypes on how to raise a
child was very challenging and unpleasant, especially when my son was younger, because
I decided to raise him in a way that I believed was best for him, based on
respecting his natural needs.
Some stereotypes, however, can be hurtful, making you
feel like you're not a good mother if you don't follow them. Many mothers
experience intense stress when told how to raise their children and do
everything differently, as the previous generation did.
I am a mother who resisted stereotypes because, even as a
psychologist, I tried to perceive and meet my son's needs from the moment of
his birth. I'm not saying it was easy, but today, when my son is five and a
half years old, I know I wouldn't have done anything differently. Thanks to
listening to our needs, he is a confident and content child.
This article is not meant to argue that all stereotypes
are bad. It simply emphasizes that, rather than blindly following advice on how
to raise a child, it's more important to ask, "Why? What will I teach my
child with this? Is it really in the best interest of my child and me? Is it
what my child and I truly need?" If the answer to all these questions is
yes, then go ahead and do things the way you feel are right for you and your
baby. If, however, you feel the need to do things differently than your
relatives or friends and don't identify with their advice, don't do it. Don't
force yourself into something that you internally feel is not suitable for you
and your child. You know your baby best and know what it needs. You have
learned to recognize its needs better than anyone else.
Trust yourself and
allow yourself to raise your little one the way you feel is best for them. The
reward will be a happy, confident, and content child who, thanks to your care
for its needs in its early years, will learn the importance of their needs,
know what they want to achieve in life, and who they are. And isn't that what
we want?
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