Domestic violence is not just about bruises, fractures and physical
injuries. In fact, physical assault often occurs only in the advanced stages of
the relationship with the aggressor. But we should not underestimate the damage
to the soul that such toxic relationship can cause. Gaslighting is a form of
domestic violence in which the offender tries to psychologically manipulate us
and plant doubts about an event. The greater the pressure, the more we begin to
question our memory and perception of reality.
You’re doing this wrong, you’re horrible, this happened because of you
The
first sign that you have fallen for an intelligent manipulator is a feeling of
deep self-doubt about yourself, your abilities and competencies. You don't
trust your memory and recollections because it seems to you that everything
could have been different. You have the feeling that you cannot even trust your
own senses, what you have seen or heard, because the person is able to turn
everything against you.
Are
you asking what sentences and words are used to recognize such thing? The
answer is simple, if you recognize yourself in the following monologue, you are
probably experiencing gaslighting.
He (or she) constantly
tells me that I'm doing something wrong, that I'm horrible, I don't clean my
house and there‘s dirt everywhere. If I were to count the number of times I
heard him (or her) tell me I was fat, ugly and unable to do anything properly,
I probably wouldn't even be able to count. The situation went so far that he (or
she) told me that our son hurt his knee because of me, even though it happened
to him at soccer club. He (or she) keeps saying I forgot to go somewhere,
forgot to do something, forgot to buy something, even though I'm convinced I
didn't. He (or she) even sent me to the Alzheimer's Center for an evaluation..
The Boiling Frog Syndrome
Psychological
manipulation, like all forms of domestic violence, develops gradually. It's
very hard to detect. Sometimes we can come across the term "the boiling
frog syndrome" in connection with this topic. The point is that if we
throw a frog into boiling water, it will naturally jump out. But if we heat the
water around it gradually, it won't notice that the water is too hot and will boil.
It is similar with manipulation. It starts subtly and stealhily and is
difficult to recognize. And before we know it, we are head over ears in a toxic
relationship that is suffocating us.
In
the beginning, it is enough to "just" fall in love and have a seed of
self-doubt planted in you. Just a little thing, an unpleasant memory of being
laughed at at school for having a few extra pounds. And even if you know today
that your weight is appropriate for your age, all it takes is for your partner
to utter a seemingly innocuous sentence about whether you'd rather have
something lighter for lunch. This may also be the first sign of a problem.
Especially if it doesn't end on that note.
The
situation escalates, perhaps the manipulator sends you to a nearby fitness
center, touting the physique of passing women. And you stand in front of the
mirror and tell yourself that he is right after all and means well with you.
Before you know it, you're agreeing with everything and thinking that your
partner is actually a poor person trying to help you. That is definitely not
the case!
Defend yourselves!
If
you suspect that you are a victim of gaslighting, here are some useful tips on
how to defend yourself against this manipulation:
·
Notes or diary - The easiest way to defend
yourself against a situation happening as you say it did is to write it down.
You have tangible proof in your hand that you haven't forgotten or perhaps
overheard anything. In addition, it can serve as feedback to you about your
partner's manipulative behaviour.
·
Confide in friends - Involving a third
party is an important step. You can check the statements and behaviour of your
counterpart. Ask if they think this behaviour is normal and appropriate. Be
specific and find out if they also feel that you are fat or perhaps your home
is a mess.
·
Don't apologize - If you are sure that the
truth is on your side, don't get into further advocacy. In short, end the
debate by saying that the situation played out differently. This will avoid
unnecessary discussion and comments that are often irrelevant.
·
Start with yourself - Simply like
yourself. A person who is satisfied with himself is very difficult to influence
and manipulate in any way.
You can also discuss this matter with a psychologist
You've just read an article: Gaslighting: domestic violence that is not seen
Enter your comment.